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Formula One 2015 Season - Before it happens! // Be the first to know how the coming season pans out

Published by Stuart Taylor

Formula One 2015 season - Before it happens!

We’re all looking forward to the new Formula One season and can’t wait to see what excitement it will bring. But for those of you who just can’t wait any longer to see how it’ll play out - you’re in luck! I just so happened to be vacationing to Hill Valley and spotted a time-travelling, flying DeLorean. I know! Weird, right? I may have borrowed it and skipped ahead in time a little to report back on exactly how the 2015 season unfolds. Here are my notes:

February

After widespread dissatisfaction, Ron Dennis promises the McLaren-Honda livery will be changed before the start of the season.

Red Bull are forced to abandon the second test halfway through after losing their camouflaged car.

Bernie expresses serious doubts about the future of the Italian Grand Prix while walking through Milan shaking a bucket of coins.

McLaren release several viral videos of Ron Dennis and Fernando Alonso pulling pranks on each other: a light-hearted joke at the previous tension between them. If you pause the second video at 1:12 you can see a tear leave Dennis’s eye.

Flux capacitor

March

The red stripe has simply been changed to orange

The McLaren-Honda arrives in Melbourne in its ‘exciting Honda livery’. The red stripe has simply been changed to orange in a move Ron Dennis calls, "an appealing visual rumination upon the historic alliance between McLaren and Honda that will energise not just the team, but the establishment of the sport".

Toro Rosso model their steering wheel after a Playstation 4 controller to allow Max Verstappen to acclimatise to the car more easily.

Red Bull Racing find themselves fifth in the championship and Christian Horner complains about how unfair the sport is to advantage Mercedes, Ferrari and Honda so blatantly.

The orange stripe on the McLaren is changed back to red after Ron Dennis finds it too distracting and far too whimsical for their corporate guests and sponsors.

Flux capacitor

April

It is discovered that Ferrari have a very clever turbo-cooling solution that is allowing them to extract far more power from their package than last year. Christian Horner calls this a blatant infringement of the spirit of the regulations, if not the wording.

Williams win the Bahrain GP but, due to local alcohol laws, are referred to as Why Ruin a Perfectly Good Olive Williams Racing in all the official literature.

After the most exciting opening to a season in years, Bernie says he’s bored and he’s just going to get a supermodel to pick the points randomly from a hat from now on.

McLaren launch a free service that streams live commentary of the races voiced by that American guy that does the Honda adverts.

Sebastian Vettel becomes increasingly confused and frustrated that Kimi Raikkonen won’t let him past in races. When he confronts Raikkonen about it, Kimi simply downs an entire bottle of vodka while staring, unblinking into Vettel’s eyes.

Flux capacitor

May

FOM get a MySpace account. "We are embracing the changing face of media and are ready to move into the digital age," a spokesman says.

Felipe Massa changes his name after it becomes too difficult to distinguish him from spunky rookie, Felipe Nasr. He is now known as Felipe Baby.

Robert Kubica makes an appearance at the Monaco GP, but only because he crashes so spectacularly out of the Portugal Rally that his Fiesta lands in the principality.

Ted Kravitz’s cameraman gets his belthook caught on a passing van and Ted gets through half his notebook before he notices his cameraman is a mile and half down the road.

Flux capacitor

June

Jenson Button takes his ninth complete engine change in Canada and is forced to start the race from 1996.

Bernie announces that he’s in talks with Ernst Stavro Blofeld about holding the very first F1 race inside an active volcano.

The virtual safety car is deployed for the first time. Fourteen drivers are penalised for failing to slow sufficiently after getting very confused. Max Verstappen wins.

Red Bull Racing falls behind Force India in the championship. Christian Horner says that RBR would be leading if only the rules weren’t so blatantly imbalanced against Renault.

Flux capacitor

July

Pirelli introduce a super-super-supersoft compound for Silverstone after they get disgruntled that no-one’s talking about them anymore. Everyone uses the tyres for exactly one lap.

The German Grand Prix is held at a makeshift track laid out with cones across Frankfurt airport and attains the highest trackside audience in ten years.

Bernie admits he hasn’t seen a race in years because he refuses to upgrade from his analogue TV.

A search party is deployed after Christian Horner is not spotted on BBC or Sky F1 coverage

Lotus make history by being the first team to live stream an entire race on YouTube via a camera in the driver’s helmet. Unfortunately, they choose to debut the technology with Pastor Maldonado who crashes on lap 2 and carries the helmet back to his motorhome bathroom without disconnecting the camera.

Red Bull falls behind Toro Rosso. A search party is deployed after Christian Horner is not spotted on BBC or Sky F1 coverage.

Flux capacitor

August

Red Bull Racing win the Italian GP but are disqualified after they are discovered to have two turbos in their car. Christian Horner calls the other teams ‘bad sports’ for protesting and appeals the stewards’ decision.

Ted Kravitz’s cameraman falls down a manhole.

FOM ban the use of #F1, #Formula1 and #GrandPrix from Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat unless given explicit licence to do so.

The first images of the Haas F1 car appear. Craig Scarborough spots 631 illegal bodywork infringements, which Haas admits is because they forgot to use the metric system after working in NASCAR for so long.

Simon Lazenby says something acutely interesting and important but everyone had him on mute so no one heard it, including interviewee, Eric Boullier who merely nods along vacantly while internally worrying about the fact that Alonso has tried to burn down the McLaren Technology Centre three times this year.

Flux capacitor

September

It rains in Singapore for the first time and the cars only make it to 60% distance before the time runs out.

Sauber announce they are taking on Susie Wolff as a main driver for 2016 and the excitement brings a flurry of sponsorship to the Sauber team and media interest in the sport at large. The FIA quietly drop their extra-strict new super licence rules.

Bernie announces the Manhattan Grand Prix has been delayed for another year but not to worry "because everything is completely on schedule and in place for a great race in 2017 and oh look at that pretty bird over there, have you seen this week’s Doctor Who, I’m scared and alone."

Red Bull, currently 8th in the championship, announce they are leaving F1 at the end of the year but will continue to sponsor Toro Rosso.

Somehow the Virtual Safety car qualifies on pole for the Japanese Grand Prix.

Flux capacitor

October

An empty Sochi racetrack
Credit: Istitene/Getty

A rumour spreads through the paddock that the Russian GP happened, but no one can remember it so they assume it’s just one of Bernie’s tall tales.

Lotus announce they’ve signed an engine deal with BMW for the 2017 season and start releasing promo videos that effectively just show Kubica’s sole Canada win on a loop.

Elon Musk buys the Red Bull Racing team and announces the team will be rebranded ‘RaceX’ and feature the most efficient electric power units in the sport in a Tesla-Renault collaboration.

Bernie insults Elon Musk, who promptly backs out of the Red Bull deal, taking all of his money and technology to WEC.

Flux capacitor

November

People still aren’t used to seeing Sebastian Vettel in Ferrari colours.

Oh god how is this season still going?

The Mexican Grand Prix pit buildings are a wonder to behold – a marvel of modern architecture and technology.

The Mexican Grand Prix circuit is a boring and uninspiring mess, resulting in a procession from start to finish with only 1 retirement due to the 4-mile-long run off areas at every braking point. Bernie declares it "the greatest race of our generation" and snogs Carlos Slim on TV during the national anthem.

Lewis Hamilton wins the world championship in Brazil and everyone breathes a sigh of relief because we’re all very tired and can’t be bothered to go to Abu Dhabi to watch a hotel change colour.