Sidepodcast // All for F1 and F1 for all

Off the grid // Pushing the boat out to change F1 for the better

Published by Lukeh

As we know Formula 1 is going through somewhat of an identity crisis right now in how it views qualifying. We seem to be stuck in an endless loop of a nothingness orchestra being composed by a cacophony of idiots at the very top, and unsurprisingly that is becoming tiresome for the fans such as ourselves to watch.

What you may not know is that Bernie and Jean, a tag team so gruesome that even the WWE won't employ them, have a whole heap of drafted qualifying ideas hidden away that can now be revealed for the first time. So, what else do they have on the plans to try out in 2016?

New rules! Qualifying Hokey Cokey

F1 drivers on the grid
Credit: Sahara Force India

Q1, Q2 and Q3 are to be replaced by a giant game of Hokey Cokey in which the drivers shall form a ring on the start line. Drivers shall only be permitted to put one leg in, one leg out, and then if the opportunity arises in, out, in, out but a strategy with the legs must be sensible to ensure it can be shaken all about.

Should a driver not turn around within adequate time he shall be eliminated from that rendition of the song, as that's what it's all about. This shall continue until one driver remains doing the Hokey Cokey by himself.

New rules! Penn and Teller qualifying

Penn and Teller are world famous for some of the incredible illusions they create around the world, and therefore they are perfect for the illusion that qualifying is going successfully. The remaining elimination format shall remain but both magicians shall make an eliminated driver completely disappear from the paddock.

Please note this is not for saving grace to hide their embarrassment of sitting in their car doing nothing for 10 minutes. The follow up of this incredible illusion will then be a trick for the final few moments of each session to keep the fans happy, because it's all about the show. Please do not forget that the show is everything, we are here to put a show on, and we really love shows. A race will also occur.

New rules! Fast and Furious qualifying

Formula 1 wants to keep up and cool with the kids and the kids these days love their Fast and Furious films, so qualifying will replicate the franchise to be both fast and furious. We have no further details on this year as it is believed Bernie and Jean watched a few of the films and spent the time asking what a Vin Diesel was and if it is another rival way to power a car like Formula E's electric engines.

Bernie and Jean watched a few of the films and spent the time asking what a Vin Diesel was

What matters is that this version of qualifying is going to be fast, furious, and the kids will love it when Dwayne Johnson appears several qualifying sessions into the season to revitalise the idea. Again we haven't any idea what will actually happen. This hasn't been planned yet.

New rules! Formulae qualifying

Despite the name this is not a variation of the fairly exciting Formula E qualifying (people seem to enjoy this one, please ignore this) but instead, with our aggregate times idea being such a good one then it's only fair we push this even further with the drivers recording 5 times, these being aggregated with an average time, then multiplied by 6 because 6 is a good number between the underwhelming 5 and exaggerated 7.

Once this number has been worked out, we then finalise each driver's time by putting it into an equation to compare it to the mileage of the circuit and the percentage of the time spent in the pits between laps. This shall be called the Formulae Qualifying and the fans will just love working out the maths as well as we understand it.

New rules! Body Fuel qualifying

Vergne learns key life lessons
Credit: Geh Chee Minh

Fuel management is one of the most exciting parts of Formula 1 and it's about time we start working with fuel management with the drivers themselves. For Q1, Q2 and Q3 the drivers will have to work out what form of energy drink they consume within the limitations provided.

The options are the super sweet Red Bull (unfortunately unavailable to Mercedes drivers), sweet Lucozade, the medium Coffee and the hard Starbucks Latte. It's a real risk taking the wrong energy drink to really fuel themselves up and get the fans guessing what fuel strategy the drivers are going to take with needing the toilet and how it'll affect the cars going into the race. We truly believe this could revolutionise fuel management in F1 even before the races.

A great deal of consideration and time has clearly gone into creating ideas that the fans will love as much as the people who run F1 love. As you can tell they truly represent the sport and how it improves the show in every way possible.

We can only be thankful that the sport is run by smart, effective people who make solid decisions and aren't afraid to really push the boat out to change F1 for the better. Here's hoping one of these qualifying ideas comes to fruition as soon as possible.