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F1 predictions, Hockenheim // Picking out the patterns from the Formula One weekend

Published by Stuart Taylor

The beginning of the 2010 season began in much the same way as 2009: with a lot of changes and everyone unsure of which way the tides would turn. This year we were given the mouth-watering prospect of having most of the strongest drivers in the strongest teams, which made it even more predictable as we’d never seen so many people in the simultaneous position to win races and championships.

Now that we’re half way through the season, certain patterns and flavours have emerged from the soup of these championship ingredients to such a strength that there is nary a hint of fog to cloud the image in my crystal ball.

A glimpse into the near future

  • The weekend begins with Ferrari reminding everyone how angry they still are that Schumacher was disqualified from the 1997 championship. The rest of the paddock and media groan, thinking they’d already covered this.
  • A viral video has been released by Vodafone. Lewis and Jenson have recreated the music video to “Nothing Compares 2 U”.
  • Every single article covering the event begins by reminding everyone that a quarter of the grid is German and we’re in Germany.
Horner has a thing or two to say about that.
Horner has a thing or two to say about that.Credit: Mark Thompson/Getty Images
  • Did you know Michael Schumacher is German? Eddie Jordan certainly does and he’s got something to say about it. Eddie Jordan will also tell Christian Horner how to run an F1 team, his advice curiously equating to the exact opposite to the techniques used at Jordan GP.
  • Christian Horner responds by making fun of Eddie’s shirt and making a joke about McLaren. He continues to make this joke about McLaren all weekend because there’s no way this will back fire on him. No way.
  • Throughout Free Practice the top teams try out lots of new components. Red Bull have only managed to manufacture one of each new part but they make sure Webber gets to use them. These are: a giant lead anvil that drags behind the car (for stability); a new rear wing that’s 20ft tall (for downforce); brake pads the size of polo mints (for weight saving).
  • Vettel gets pole. Lewis and Alonso are second and third. Alonso is certain that he has the strategy to win the race. Webber, powered by an extra 200 bhp of pure anger, hauled his Red Bull up to 4th. Schumacher somehow manages to qualify in 30th position.
  • On Sunday morning the Red Bull motorhome has mysterious burned to the ground. There are no clues except for a single barbecue set up over the flames, upon which some shrimp are cooking.
  • At the race start, Hamilton dares to get a better start than Vettel. In his fury, Vettel drives into Lewis, forgetting that his car was built by Adrian Newey and it shatters like an eggshell around him.
  • The safety car is deployed to deal with the debris. Somehow, Alonso manages to get attached to the safety car, ruining his race.
  • The BBC team talk to Christian Horner. Christian calls it a racing incident and uses the airtime to make another joke at McLaren’s expense, despite the fact that Lewis is leading the race by 3 whole laps. In the background we can hear Helmut Marko screaming about it being Webber’s fault.
  • Lewis wins the race. Jenson Button comes second somehow, despite the fact that no one has seen him all weekend.
  • In the post race show, the BBC crew are ambushed by Villeneuve, Irvine and Jackie Stewart who all have something very important to say that might make sense if we hadn’t moved into the 21st Century when their backs were turned.
  • Everyone sulks, except for Lewis and Jenson who skip off holding hands towards a glorious red sunset with a big white apostrophe in the middle.