Sidepodcast // All for F1 and F1 for all

Christmas in the paddock - 2011 edition // The annual gift-giving tribute to our favourite Formula One faces

Published by Lukeh

Last year I compiled my list of ideas as to what the perfect paddock presents would be in Formula 1 and, well, it only seemed fair to give it a go again this time round as it turns out this Christmas lark seems to come around every year.

Not quite as Royle. Plus Steve Rider looks far too comfortable.
Not quite as Royle. Plus Steve Rider looks far too comfortable.Credit: Lukeh

We’ve been treated to a dominating performance from a certain young Vettel over 2011 and I’m sure he’s already got all the presents in the world but there’s got to be more, right? Christmas is a time to celebrate, to spend time with the ones you love, to watch Doctor Who and of course get awfully confused why you have a present that your uncle bought you last year too. It’s been a long season for many, so let’s all sit around the log fire and open the paddock presents...

Lewis Hamilton and Felipe Massa

Present: Guess Who? Board Game

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What better way to spend Christmas than as a happy family playing accusational board games? It’s only right that this Christmas Lewis and Felipe play the wonderful Guess Who, where they have to try and guess who crashed into them at the last Grand Prix.

Scrabble was on the cards at one point but it turns out frickin’ isn’t in the English Dictionary and many of his words placed down came under stewards review. As for Felipe, Cluedo was on the cards to find out who stole his pace but it turned out it was just Fernando in the Garage with a Car. So, this merry Christmas our favourite rivals will be playing a jolly game of Guess Who!

Pastor Maldonado

Present: Arm Bands

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It’s not shameful to admit sometimes that you need a helping hand, especially when you’re still learning something and this Christmas, getting Pastor some armbands to help him cope with F1 might just see him stay afloat all year. Sure, armbands are only really used for swimming to help new swimmers in the water but these armbands can be used to protect Pastor from the barriers and keep drivers away if he drives into them. Multi purpose armbands are the way forward!

Although they do come with the added bonus of considerable financial backing to ensure your purchase is worth it, no matter how flimsy their may be in their use. Hurrah!

Fernando Alonso

Present: Groucho Glasses

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Once upon a time there was a gentlemen who went by the name of Fernando Alonso. This man, skilled in all the skills of driving and general fastness, once presented himself with a funky little beard until one day... the beard was gone. Exist, no more. Capiche!

But now, thanks to the miracle of joke shops, Fernando Alonso can once again remember the great times of having a little beard and epic eyebrows with these Groucho Glasses, which also come with free Ray Bon Bons glasses. They were supposed to be Ray Bans but it turns out joke shops don’t sell £400 glasses so they had to settle for the Poundland rip-offs.

The important thing here is Fernando once again can rock his facial hair this jolly holiday time!

Jenson Button

Present: Cake with Cake on top

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Jenson’s had a great, great season, but let’s be honest what his true passion is – cake. He loves cake. He walks past a bakery, he sees cake. He heads into McLaren’s cafeteria, he gets cake. He falls down to last place, passes everyone and beats the World Champion on the last lap and he knows what he’s getting – plenty of cake.

Basically, Jenson’s desire is to see all the cakes in the world. Madeira cakes. Christmas cakes. Those little cakes with the the cherry in them cakes. Fish cakes. He wants cake. Cake. So this Christmas, let’s give Jenson double cake. Yes, that’s right, it’s a cake with twice the cake-ocity of a normal cake. So it’s not just one cake Jenson, it’s a double cake. Look how happy he is with that cake. Two cakes in one, a mega cake, the cake of all cakes, a cake suitable for a driver like Jenson who’s impressed so much in 2011 with make cake deserving drives. It’s time for festive fun, but more importantly, it’s time for double cake. And no, Jenson – the cake isn’t a lie.

Luca Di Montezemelalao..zele..mo..montecarlo

Present: Kids Toy Ferrari Car

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For the past 41 years Luca has been harping on about how much Ferrari want to have a third Ferrari in the paddock and how it would be so wonderful for the sport if they did, so this Christmas, make a veteran of the sport happy by getting him a kids’ toy Ferrari so he can finally drive up and down the paddock in his little pedal car and get that third Ferrari into the paddock like he has so often desired.

Yes, whilst Sky and BBC present away with their coverage, watch in joy as an old man pedals about frantically in the background as he struggles to come out the back of the Ferrari garage unveiling his third Ferrari in the sport after all these years. Just imagine the smile on his face as he unwraps it on Christmas morning then holds a press conference an hour later to unveil it before whispering about it to his online friends! Yay!

The perfect set of presents if you’re planning to buy your driver a present this Christmas whoever you may be. But what else would you buy an F1 driver this season? Perhaps a race seat for Rubens Barrichello? Or maybe a fire extinguisher for Nick Heidfeld considering how often his car wanted to set himself on fire? Or maybe just a BBC branded microphone for Christian Horner? The possibilities are endless! Let us know in the comments below all of your brilliant ideas, and most importantly, have a very merry paddock Christmas! (and enjoy the cake.)