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An Alternative Christmas Message 2009 - The festive season wouldn't be the same without words of F1 wisdom

Published by Mr. C

The first lady of F1 podcasting returns to dispense her annual Alternative Christmas message. In previous years, she has summed up the sport as a pantomime and told the most important story of the festive season. This year it's time for another Christmas tale.

With so many twists and turns in the Formula 1 story, it was hard to narrow down the pivotal moment in 2009, but some of our favourite, and not so favourite, faces appear as we learn a very important moral.

Merry Christmas everybody.

An Alternative Christmas Message

Hello everyone, welcome to Sidepodcast TV. Things have been a bit quiet on the video front in 2009 but we had to return to bring you our annual Alternative Christmas Message. For the past couple of years, we have brought you tales of festive joy from the F1 paddock, and this Christmas is no different. This story has a particular moral though, so if you are sitting comfortably, let us begin.

There once was a man called Ebenezer Schumacher, who had spent a long time working and building up a fortune of money. His talent in a race car was indisputable but his ability to make friends was a completely different matter.

Despite retiring from F1 at the end of 2006, Ebenezer Schumacher remained within thesport, consulting with his favoured team, and almost returning to deputise for an injured driver. Sadly, previous excesses prevented him from doing so, but the opportunity had alighted a great fire within him.

He cast a sly eye across the grid. There were several new teams entering next season, and fellow German Tiny Timo approached Ebenezer to ask for his advice. Tiny Timo was driving for a brand new team, one relying heavily on him to help point them in the right direction. Aware of Schumacher’s legendary abilities in this area, Timo asked for any tips to guide him along the right path. Ebenezer was certain he had no interest in helping others, waved a hand dismissively and went to chat to his old technical director Ross Brawn.

Brawn’s new team were going through some changes, and he and Ebenezer discussed the future. Mr Brawn told him that hemight be able to put the new found fire to good use, but that Formula 1 had changed. Some things that used to take place when Schumi was behind the wheel were no longer acceptable, and there had been plenty of evidence in 2009 that cheating was no longer tolerated. Brawn advised that to get back into F1, Schumi needed to change his wicked ways. The seven times world champion didn’t care though, stating he had won his titles his way, and he was set on winning another.

Brawn shook his head, sadly, but he wanted to help so he hatched a plan. “Tonight you’ll be visited by three ghosts,” he said. “Expect the first ghost when the bell tolls one.”

At the anticipated time, ghost number one appeared, and Ebenezer Schumacher was surprised to see a familiar face. It was his old rival Jacques Villeneuve, who pronounced himself the Ghost of F1 Past. Villeneuve told Schumi how his questionable tactics in the Formula 1 of Old had led to Jacques a career heading in sharp decline culminating in him quitting F1 and taking up a career in music. He spoke of Damon Hill and how Schumacher had destroyed the champion’s self esteem, forcing him to spend his days fighting with Bernie Ecclestone instead. “Worst of all,” Jacques said, “Your wheel banging antics with Montoya set him up for a career in NASCAR!”

Schumacher frowned a little, but dismissed the first ghost with another wave of his hand. Promptly, the second ghost appeared. It was young Nelson Piquet Jr, who announced himself as the Ghost of F1 Present. Piquet described the recent Singapore Grand Prix scandal, explaining to Ebenezer how he had experienced first hand that cheating does not pay, how the FIA had begun to clean up the sport and that he was now facing a future driving trucks around in circles.. Schumi rolled his eyes, patted Piquet on the head and sent him back to his overprotective father.

The final ghost appeared, and Ebenezer saw that it was another fellow German driver, the Red Bull star Sebastian Vettel. “I am the Ghost of F1 Future,” Vettel said, and promptly went on to explain that soon, he will go on to win nine world championships, beating every one of Schumacher’s records in the process, and would do so without cheating, even one little bit. “I beat your records,” Vettel said, “the fans respect and adore me, I become a legend in our country and everyone forgets who you are.”

Ebenzer Schumacher was stunned. As the final ghost disappeared, the idea of winning at all costs didn’t seem such a good one and Schumi could see now, that his dirty driving of old was not the way it should be done.

Determined to prove his new found respectable motivation, and to repair his tarnished reputation Ebenezer returned to Tiny Timo the very next day and explained to him exactly how to guide a new team, how to build a team of people around him and best of all, how to organise a comfortable seat fitting.

As an added bonus, Ebenezer splashed out and gifted thesport a Turkey... so that Turn 8 would forever remain on the calendar.

Ross Brawn returned and told Ebenezer he was welcome back to Formula 1, and his new start would see him at Mercedes. A new era of Formula 1 had begun where drivers respected each other, never tried to ram anyone off the track, accepted equal status to their teammates and were nice to their brothers.

This made the 2010 season the best season ever.

Thank you for listening to my Alternative Christmas Message. I hope you’re enjoying the holidays, arehaving a good day today and will be looking forward to the next season of Formula 1. Merry Christmas.

An Alternative Christmas Message
An Alternative Christmas Message

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