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After the success of last year's F1 pantomime, the Queen (of F1 podcasting) returns for another performance of a festive Formula 1 message.

Your favourite, and not so favourite faces of 2008 make guest appearances as Christine reminisces on some of the events of the past year, whilst giving a nod to the major upheaval facing the racing world next year.

Merry Christmas everybody.

Welcome to Sidepodcast TV and our annual Alternative Christmas Message. Last year we discussed whether F1 could be compared to the festive tradition of pantomime, but thankfully 2008 has been a lot less farcical and a lot more fun. Christmas is often a time for merriment, for eating, drinking, and present giving, but there’s one very important story that shouldn’t be forgotten at this time of year. I’m here to remind you of that story.

About two thousand hours ago, in Belgium, there lived a young woman named Karen. She was engaged to be married to David, an F1 driver. One day, Bernie the angel appeared before her and told her she had been chosen to have a special baby. The baby would be the next big Champ, and she must call him Dayton.

Soon after Bernie’s visit, Karen and David were married. Karen was due to have her baby when they were told they had to go on a long journey to Monaco, which was where David lived. This was because they had to pay a special superlicence tax, as decreed by King Max. Karen had to ride on a Red Bull for a few days over the hills of France.

At last Karen and David arrived in Monaco. It was crowded with other drivers who needed to pay their superlicence fees. Karen was very tired and needed a place to stay. At each inn, the story was the same. There was no room for them. Eventually, David went to his own hotel, and the manager said there was a garage where they kept the cars. They were welcome to stay there. And so it was that a few hours later, Karen gave birth to her son in that garage. She wrapped Dayton in strips of Nomex and laid him in a survival cell with high cockpit sides.

At the same time, on a yacht overlooking the harbour, some team bosses were watching over the town. Ron Dennis, Flavio Briatore and Vijay Mallya were sipping champagne when suddenly, a bright light appeared in the sky, and they were very afraid. It was Bernie again. He told them not to be afraid because he had some good news. He said the next big F1 Champ had been born and they would find him in Monaco. The bosses wanted to go and see the baby. When they arrived at the garage, they were filled with joy at seeing Dayton lying in the survival cell with high cockpit sides. They stayed awhile, complained about the facilities, and decided to return to their yacht. On their way out, they began to argue over who could sign up the driver at such a young age. Ron won the argument as he has experience of such matters.

Far away in the UK, three Wise Men: Rory Byrne, Pat Symonds and Paddy Lowe; saw a new star shining high in the sky. They studied the FIA Technical Regulations which told them that whenever a bright new star appeared it meant that a driver that could overtake had been born. The Wise Men decided to find this new driver. They went to Place de la Concorde to see King Max, as they thought the baby would be in the palace. They asked to see the child that would be the new F1 Champ. King Max was troubled. He told them to return when they had found the baby so he could worship the child himself.

The Wise Men set off to find Dayton. They were guided by the star to the garage in Monaco. Here they knelt down and worshipped Dayton. They gave him gifts of a high rear wing, an adjustable front wing, and some slick tyres. That night, all three men had the same dream in which Bernie warned them that King Max wanted to stop the driver that can overtake and told them not to go back to Place de la Concorde.

The Wise Men went back to the UK without calling to see Max. Soon after, David had a dream where Bernie told him to take Karen and Dayton to Switzerland. When the Wise Men did not visit, Max ordered that baby boys in Monaco be sent to race in NASCAR. They did not find Dayton as he was safe in Switzerland.

Now that is what an F1 Christmas is all about. Thank you for taking the time to watch my Christmas message. Enjoy the rest of your day.

Music played

• Jill Parr, Oh Come All Ye Faithful

Music comes from music.podshow.com.