Our opening film shows a cute little green caterpillar making his way from Baku to Malmö via lots of European landmarks.
The caterpillar has turned into a butterfly! That'll make the journey a bit quicker.
A choir are on stage to open the show. They're singing something written by the chaps from Abba.
A big walkway descended across the crowd, and all the upcoming singers are walking across and waving. It's so very Olympics!
Today I have learnt that Abba sometimes write their names with a backwards B. Like ᗅᗺᗷᗅ.
Big flags waving across the stage, and they actually managed to do that all in time. Very good from the flag people.
Our host arrives, she's wearing an incredible pink coat style dress, with bonus pink boots!
Our host is Petra Mede, and I think she's doing it all by herself this evening too. I suppose she must speak lots of languages then!
There's a shout out for Australia, as they're watching live at 5am!
The scores this evening come half from judges opinions (based on the dress rehearsal last night) and viewer votes later.
But now it begins!
Song #1 - France
Artist: Armandine Bourgeois
Song: L'enfer et moi (Hell and me)
Our blonde-haired singer takes to the stage, black tassly dress on, heavy eye-makeup. It's quite rocky!
This is one of the few songs sung not in English. We're enjoying some French lyrics. I think she just said classique.
It ended with a bit of screaming, but it was a good strong opener. Not necessarily memorable though, particularly this early on.
Graham Norton tells us the producers decided the running order today, rather than luck of the draw.
Song #2 - Lithuania
Artist: Andrius Pojavis
Another song beginning with guitars, but this time we've got a chap in a leather jacket. He's reasonably good looking, but he also looks a bit nervous.
I think that lyric was "because of my shoe I'm wearing today". Make of that what you will.
"Because of my shoes I'm wearing today, one is called love, the other is pain." You'd think he'd be wearing matching shoes!
Seems like he's getting into it now, relaxed a bit. Just in time for the end!
Song #3 - Moldova
Artist: Aliona Moon
Song: O mie (A thousand)
Aliona Moon. Moooon!
Lovely grand piano, all in white. Lots of dry ice as well. That's quite the quiff Aliona is rocking.
The dress looks like something is going to happen with it. She's not moving around very much, and it's huge.
Songwise, this is a bit warbling.
Ooh, the white dress is changing colour!
Aaand she's rising upwards too. She didn't miss a beat either.
Pat: Go-go-gadget really tall dress
Just noticed, the butterflies featured in the in-between video montages are the colours of the country's flag. Genius.
Song #4 - Finland
Artist: Krista Siegfrids
Song: Marry Me
Blond singer in a sort of trashy/fluffy wedding dress, with hot pink platform shoes.
This is quite catchy, and it has the perfect Eurovision kitsch to it. "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ding dong."
The singer kissed one of the backing singers at the end. Not quite sure why, perhaps just for attention!
Song #5 - Spain
Song: Contigo hasta el final (With you until the end)
Some bagpipes open this song, and it's a yellow dress and a wind machine for our singer.
The pyrotechnics kick in as the chorus arrives and the tempo picks up.
The ex-Mrs Alonso!
Song #6 - Belgium
Artist: Roberto Bellarosa
Song: Love Kills
I've also just realised these in-between videos actually have the artists themselves doing things. I am quick on the uptake this evening.
A question from the comments, the countries that didn't have to qualify: France, Germany, Italy, Spain, Sweden and the UK.
Bellarosa is the youngest singer this evening, but he doesn't look too nervous as he sings the refrain "Love kills over and over." Charming, that is.
Whilst he looks quite natty in a black suit, the backing dancer ladies are in their little black dresses which are not so appropriate for their Steps style dance moves.
18 years old, that Roberto. How many loves has he had killed in that short time, I wonder?
Song #7 - Estonia
Song: Et uus saaks alguse (So there can be a new beginning)
Birgit takes to the stage, as the television goes black and white to begin with. She's singing in Estonian, and as we get to the chorus, the colour returns!
She has a big floaty white dress on, which covers what is apparently a five-month old baby bump.
Decent song, quite traditional, plenty of dry ice wafting across the stage.
Birgit is very smiley, but she's got a bit of a tendency to sway to the music.
Song #8 - Belarus
Artist: Alyona Lanskaya
Another Alyona takes to the stage. Less moon with this one.
She comes out of a giant glitterball in the middle of the stage, with a very short tassel dress on.
Some more rather strange choreography with this one, but some good accents in the song to make it memorable. Cha-cha!
One of our backing dancers has done a back-flip! Finally!
I quite like this, except that she is saying "Where the sun is shining on ya" to rhyme with cha-cha.
Song #9 - Malta
Gianluca's film clip shows him at work as a doctor. Well, it shows him being a doctor, he was mostly just opening curtains and putting a stethoscope around his shoulders.
The song opens with a ukelele, and this sounds very twee and cute. Gianluca is a smiling cheeky chappy too.
The lyrics are appearing on the big screen behind him too - providing his own subtitles, this one.
In fact, the entire band seem to have been to smiling school.
Gianluca is also actively engaging the crowd, high fives all round. It's so much more relaxed than those that have gone before.
Song #10 - Russia
Artist: Dina Garipova
Song: What If
She's singing away, quite a forgettable song, but there are big balls on stage with her, all lit up.
She's been joined on stage by four random people. I think they are backing singers, but they remain in the dark and don't appear to have microphones.
Oh maybe they are dancers. Two of the men are now throwing their balls around.
I'd say this one is using lights in objects to distract from the fact there is very little to like about the song.
Song #11 - Germany
Our singer is on a platform in a glittery dress. There are steps leading off the platform, if she's taking them in those heels, I am concerned.
The Glorious refrain of the title is sung just like last year's winning Euphoria.
This is very much a dance number, but she doesn't seem to be doing too much dancing. More stamping.
"We are glo-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh."
She came down the stairs! Respect.
She's also come amongst the crowd, a bit more stamping and pointing, but she's engaging the audience and the camera well.
Song #12 - Armenia
Song: Lonely Planet
This song is composed by Black Sabbath's Tony Iommi!
Why he is writing for Armenia, we don't know. Born and bred in Birmingham.
This is pure boyband. Long-haired lead singer with a goatee, a couple of guitarists, one with sunglasses on, and far too much denim all round.
Thinking about it, this guy looks just like Kevin from the Backstreet Boys. They are winners, then, clearly.
The flames are on again.
Not only are the flames back, they're also criss-crossing around in a, frankly, terrifying manner!
There's a short break now, and there is some kind of comedy film on.
I'm not sure if it is a comedy film, actually. I'm not really getting it. Bring back the songs!
Our host Petra is back with her bright pink dress on. Not heaps of outfit changes for her then!
Song #13 - Netherlands
This song has apparently already been number one in the charts in Netherlands.
Anouk is relatively dressed down in black trousers and top. No go-go-gadget dress here.
This is a pretty downbeat number, it must be said.
"Birds falling down the rooftops, out of the sky like raindrops."
That's a new take on cats and dogs.
It sounds a bit like a Bond theme.
The crowd give a big cheer, and some orange flags are waved, but I'm not sure how well that will do.
Song #14 - Romania
Song: It's My Life
This guy is terrifying, he looks just like Mighty Ming the Merciless from Flash Gordon!
He's gone super-high and operatic too!
The dancers just have small shorts on too, so that from a distance they appear to be naked.
It's a heck of a falsetto.
There's a bit of a dubstep breakdown in here too. Dubstep, opera, Bee-Gees falsetto, why stick to one genre when you can have several?
Graham Norton: "Cezar there. Proving just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should."
Song #15 - United Kingdom
Artist: Bonnie Tyler
Song: Believe in Me
This is awkward, because I want to be patriotic, but there is almost nothing redeeming about this one.
Bonnie has a nice black number on and belts out the chorus "Believe in me." I'm just not sure I do! It was a shaky start but it's getting there.
Bonnie's heading out to that stage in the midst of the crowd. She looks a bit wobbly now though! Big breaths, Bonnie!
Song #16 - Sweden
Artist: Robin Stjemberg
The home act, but the fact goes that no-one has ever won from 16th place in the running order.
Sticky up hair for Robin, and a heap of dancers around him.
A brief glimpse of Bonnie, doing her bit for the UK.
This guy looks like he's stepped right out of One Direction.
It's a good little pop song, all things considered.
Robin shouts a huge Thank You at the end and the crowd goes wild.
Song #17 - Hungary
Song: Kedvesem (My darling)
This is the Zoohacker Remix.
Three people on stage, one guitarist starts the song, and the singer begins. He's wearing a beanie and oversize black glasses.
It's hard to tell if they're trying to be hipster or trying to be cool, but the beat of the song is actually quite infectious.
It's very gentle, the song. Simple and underdone. The guitarists odd mohican-style hair is worrying me though.
I'm also not a fan of the lead singer's über-skinny jeans.
Steven Roy: The guitarist looks like he couldn't decide between two hairstyles so he had one side of his head done in each
Song #18 - Denmark
Artist: Emmelie de Forest
Song: Only Teardrops
Emmelie is sitting on the stage as she starts the song, but up she gets as the beat kicks in. Bare feet as well.
There are dummers and pipers, but it's actually quite a good rousing song.
Tweet from @RyanGault44: Overriding feeling that it's just a song that sounds like it has already won. #eurovision
Song #19 - Iceland
Artist: Eythor Ingi
Song: Ég á líf (I am alive)
Graham Norton fact: The first time in 15 years a song has been sung in Icelandic.
This lead singer has epic long hair and beard.
Mark: IT'S THOR!
It's just one man, his voice and a piano. Moving but not catchy... yet.
This one sounds a bit like Hallelujah.
Despite his long hair, Eythor has a very traditional black suit on, complete with waistcoat chain and everything.
Last year's hosts, Azerbaijan, are up next. Their video shows the singer doing back flips on the beach and falling over ski-ing.
Song #20 - Azerbaijan
Artist: Farid Mammadov
Song: Hold Me
He's crouching on a box, as he starts singing. You can see his hand shaking, but he's doing okay.
A better shot shows there is someone inside the glass box that he's standing on. They are doing odd performance art underneath him.
He's like the Milk Tray man but turning upside down and all which ways.
He's jumped off the box, and after a bit of mirror dancing, a woman has arrived with a huge dress.
By huge, I mean it has a long red train, rather than go-go-gadget dress.
It's an okay song, but the staging is incredibly (awesomely) distracting.
Man in a box and on a box.
Song #21 - Greece
Artist: Koza Mostra featuring Agathon Iakovidis
Song: Alcohol is Free
Oooh, they're a folk band! Amazing. The lead singer is older than we've seen, grey beard with a tiny little guitar type thing.
The beat kicks in and now it is suddenly high-octane folk!
One of the band is playing his trumpet like a guitar. He's confused, I'm confused, but it's so much fun.
Cynics would say Greece aren't that keen on winning anyway.
The band, in their kilts, are now jigging about shouting "Alcohol is free". It is beautiful. Awful. Incredible. Terrible. All of the above.
Song #22 - Ukraine
Artist: Zlata Ognevich
Zlata arrives on stage in the arms of a big ogre-like chap. There's manual camera-shake as he takes steps and puts her down.
Some backing singers appear out of the ground, as the dry ice flows in.
Voice of Celine Dion, face of Shania Twain.
Song #23 - Italy
Artist: Marco Mengoni
Song: L'essenziale (The essential)
An Italian called Marco! Shocking.
Graham Norton fact: Marco is one of the biggest popstars in Italy at the moment, and the song debuted at number one and has already gone multi-platinum.
Whatever that means.
As you might imagine, it's an incredibly sharp suit that Marco is wearing.
The song is quite nice, pleasant, traditional. He's just standing and singing though, and whilst his suit is nice, it's not that captivating.
Song #24 - Norway
Artist: Margaret Berger
Song: I Feed You My Love
Bit of ice hockey footage in the Norway pre-song video.
I Feed You My Love, by someone called Berger. Get it?
It's a skin-tight dress for Berger, bit futuristic, to go with the hard-hitting beats of the song. And by hard-hitting beats, I mean noise, obviously.
This one is pretty divisive, but she's belting it out and gets a huge cheer from the crowd as it ends.
Amy: Bored by Norway. Borway?
Song #25 - Georgia
Artist: Nodi Tatishvili and Sophie Gelovani
Ooh, our first (and only?) duet with a chap in a suit and a lady in a fancy dress.
For the penultimate song, this is about as forgettable as they come. Something about waterfalls.
They've got pretty sparks coming down from the ceiling so that helps.
Steven Roy: I love that the women get those fabulous dresses and then have a big square lump on their backsides where the radio pack is
The final song!
Song #26 - Ireland
Artist: Ryan Dolan
Song: Only Love Survives
The pre-song video had Ryan chasing some kids about a house. Presumably his.
The song itself has a couple of guys shirtless beating some traditional Irish drums. Ryan himself has leather/satin/PVC/some kind of shiny trousers and jacket on.
The backing singers are doing that irritating hand heart shape thing.
Bring back Jedward.
Look at his massive drums!
"Cos in the end, only love survives." Not if you do that heart gesture at me, it doesn't.
All songs complete!
Voting opens for 15 minutes. Bear with and I'll get you a huge table.
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They're doing a recap of the songs now. I'm swaying between Malta, because it was fun. Spain, because it's her. Hungary, because of the hipsters.
Denmark was awesome, clearly. But they don't need my vote.
Mr C and I have a vote each. We're busy mulling it over. Who will you vote for?
That recap is so handy. Forgot quite a lot of those early entries.
Right, Mr C and I have chosen and voted. Have you? Do it, do it.
It's more entertaining than watching last year's winner singing "new material".
There it is. Euphooooooria!
Another recap through the songs. There's Spain in their yellow. And baby-face Roberto from Belgium.
Oooh, Petra has changed outfits! It must be vote results time!
The voting lines are closed! That's it. The winner has been decided, now we just need to spend an age finding out who it is.
We're seeing a montage of Bonnie Tyler doing what she does in the build-up. Cue brilliant Welsh accent: "My voice is always husky but I think it's getting worse and worse."
Our lovely host Petra is doing a song now, it's all quite musical and hard to describe. I see recycling bins.
It doesn't look like she's singing live though. Not that she has to, she's not in competition.
Can we vote for Petra?
That appears to be some dancing meatballs. I'm not sure how much wine I have drunk.
I tell you what, those ten minutes each year are the only time I feel nostalgic for Riverdance.
For a moment, I thought they were going to show us some actual Eurovision history, but this appears to be more of a skit.
The "green room" guy is a participant from two years ago. He did the Popular song, with breakable glass.
Look, look, look! https://sidepodcast.com/post/2011-eurovision-song-contest-grand-final#data-10041
Eric is very fond of hashtags. "Hashtag Eurovision!" "Hashtag results!"
We've got a cover of The Winner Takes It All now. "The loser has to fall." That'll be 25 of the artists we've seen this evening.
A third dress for Petra, although she did have to change for her entertainment stint just now.
The votes are coming in now. San Marino first! There used to be an F1 race there.
He's got a beautiful bow-tie on, the San Marino chap.
Cute bow-tie gives their 12 points to Greece! That's the one with the tiny guitar and the high-kicking kilts!
Sweden's votes appear to come from an anime character.
12 points to Norway, which was that late Europop entry.
Albania up next. Great hat, and... is that a tie-die shirt?
I missed it, but the UK have one point already. That steers us clear of a nil points result. Phew.
12 points from Albania and the tie-die shirt to Italy, the suave dude in the suit.
The votes from the Netherlands are coming from the high street. Buses going up and down behind our presenter. No landmarks of note there?
12 points to the young Belgian.
A shockingly red dress from Austria. "Vienna calling."
I've just noticed a progress bar at the bottom right of the screen. 5 of 39 countries voting.
Austria's 12 points go to Azerbaijan, which... I can't remember which one that was. Oh, Vienna.
Azerbaijan - the man in a box!
UK voting. That would be Scott Mills!
12 points from the UK to the fabulous Denmark.
The seventh country to vote is Israel. This guy looks like an accountant who has stayed late at the office. He's got an Abba joke up his sleeve though "Thank you for the music."
Three countries on nil points at the moment - Lithuania, Estonia and Georgia.
12 points from Israel to Azerbaijan - the guy in a box.
Serbia are voting next. 12 points to Denmark, who move 18 points into the lead.
Jonathan Creek is handing out the points from the Ukraine. Striped suit, curly hair. Bless him.
12 points to Belarus.
Tweet from @KateRobbins: Bonnie Tyler has un point... so not holding out for a zero #Eurovision
Romania are handing out their votes next, another startling red dress. I feel like I need a red dress. 12 points to Moldova.
Moldova also have a red dress. 12 points from Moldova to Ukraine.
13 of 39, and it is Azerbaijan's turn. Baku are back!
Ooh, missed that Romania gave us three points. Bonnie Tyler is up to four points! 12 is the aim from last year.
Only Estonia have zero points now. That was the five-month baby bump shrouded in a white dress.
12 points to the Ukraine again.
Tom Cruise is handing out the points from Norway. Epic tan, white smile and bow tie from this host.
12 points to hosts Sweden.
The Armenian hosts starts off with a song. He also has a vivid yellow cardigan on with a bright blue shirt. That's... a look.
12 points to the Ukraine. Denmark lead from Azerbaijan, with Ukraine third now.
Italy are up next, and our presenter has a black and red dress. It's still red. I need red.
12 points from Italy to Denmark. Denmark are still the only country to top 100 points so far.
Finland are up next, handing out their votes. "The land of ding-dong calling." Indeed.
Ten points from Finland to the hipsters of Hungary. 12 points to Norway, moving them up to third.
The woman from Spain appears to have a split dress, and the two sides don't seem to meet in the middle.
However, they have given us four points, four points to the UK, so she can wear what she likes!
12 points from Spain to Italy, the sharp-suited man seems underwhelmed though. He was hoping for more.
Points from Belarus, a green dress this time. I'm not so convinced by the green.
They gave just one point to leaders Denmark, and 12 to Ukraine which moves them past the century mark.
Our Latvian host is clutching some flowers like a bride.
The United Kingdom are up to eight points now, by the way.
12 points from Latvia to Russia.
That's sort of the halfway point. 20 of 39 voting countries.
A mini-break there, but it's back to the voting now. Nineteen votes still to pour in.
Oop, a technical failure, but we have emergency VT. Looking at the top three.
Technical issues resolved, Bulgaria are up next. Pink dress for this one.
Ten points to the Ukraine to help them catch up to Denmark a little. 12 points to Azerbaijan.
Next up, Barbara from Belgium.
Black glittery dress for Belgium. No points for the UK here. And they gave a point to Engelbert last year.
12 points to the Netherlands. That was the really depressing song, so that gives you an insight into Belgium there.
Russia voting next.
12 points from Russia to Azerbaijan.
Five points from Malta to the United Kingdom!
That's 13 points for Bonnie, we've beaten 2012's total!
Rolf from Estonia. He's nice.
12 points from Estonia to Russia.
It's still super close at the top, it must be said. 13 countries left.
Lena is doing the Germany points. This Lena: https://sidepodcast.com/post/2011-eurovision-song-contest-grand-final#data-10115
10 points go to Denmark. 12 points to Hungary. That was the hipsters! Lena messed up that, saying 10 points to Norway and hurriedly correcting herself. That's the last we'll see of Lena!
27 of 39 votes now, it's Iceland.
12 points from Iceland to Denmark, they are increasing their lead.
France are up next. Beautiful glowing Eiffel Tower behind her.
No points for the UK though. Should we invade?
12 points from France to Denmark.
Greece are ready to hand out their votes. This is a dress I can't quite explain.
Yellow with black bits on it. It looks like some kind of life form is growing out of the dress and consuming her a bit.
Denmark are given 7 points, so who will get the 12?
12 to Azerbaijan.
Ireland next, and that's Nicky from Westlife! OMG!
Seven points from Ireland! We shall not invade them!!
Embarrassingly, we only gave Ireland 1 point. They have three altogether.
12 points from Ireland to Denmark.
Next up is Denmark though. So they won't be getting any points this time.
12 points from Denmark to fourth place Norway.
Ukraine and Azerbaijan are both on equal points in second - 174 points each.
Points from Montenegro now - red/pink dress.
We're hearing an epic echo with this one, and it's the worst blue screen ever. She has blue leaking around her arms.
12 points from Montenegro to Azerbaijan.
The Slovenians are up next, this guy has some rather fabulous red glasses on, and it's one point for the UK.
I was distracted by the glasses, but he has a text scrolling LED display on his lapel. That's different to your traditional handkerchief!
12 points from Slovenia to Denmark.
Georgia are up next, and it's a more conservative red dress this time. Eight points to the Ukraine, ten points to Armenia, and the big twelve to Azerbaijan.
Next up, FYR Macedonia. Another nice man.
Eight points to Norway, ten points to Italy, and the big twelve to Denmark.
Their lead is unstoppable now, just four more countries left and Denmark are too far in front!
Odd scenes at the Eurovision now. The presenter gave up taking the votes and stood up - her dress turned into the colours of the Danish flag.
The Denmark act are making their way to the stage now, but we are going back to the final votes.
All very weird!
Dress changes colour!
Cyprus give their points, a man in a very traditional suit. 12 points to Greece.
Croatia's presenter has a sparkly black dress on. 10 points to Denmark. Not that it matters now. 12 points to Ukraine.
Switzerland's red dress hands out eight points to Greece, ten points to hipster Hungary, and the full 12 points to Italy.
The final votes come from Lithuania, and before he hands out the vote he says: "I love you Bonnie Tyler." I mean, break my heart.
12 points to Azerbaijan, and they are a comfortable second.
Emmelie takes to the stage to sing the winner's song, with the drums and the piper.
It was a clear contender, a clear winner really, the moment it started. A worthy Eurovision winner.
Emmelie, the winner. Next year's Eurovision will come from Denmark!
Loved all of that, thanks so much for joining and sticking with us if you did. Bonus Nicky from Westlife at the end there!
Good competition, a better standard of music (to my ears) and lots to ponder as we head to the 2014 competition in Denmark. See you back here then!
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18 May 2013
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