This is Honkus.
This is Captain Conk.
And finally, Chucklechump. What a lineup.
Comment from Chris: While we're waiting for the show to start, was anyone watching the Chris Moyles record attempt? Chris and Comedy Dave (his partner in crime) raised over 2 million pounds while hosting a radio show for 52 hours (a Guinness world record)
There have been a lot of impressive feats happening by the celebrities.
Helen Skelton from Blue Peter walked a high wire between two chimneys at Battersea Power Station.
David Walliams took part in 24 hours worth of panel shows, streamed live online.
Scott Mills took a host of other famous people with him across a desert trek in Africa, with blistering temperatures and the constant threat of snakes and scorpions.
Ant & Dec were challenged to gatecrash as many TV shows as they could, stealing bits and bobs for auction as they went.
On TV, there's been the usual Let's Dance where celebrities make a fool of themselves, and a new Glee-style competition for kids to sing their hearts out.
They also have a Twitter account, if you feel like following along: http://twitter.com/rednoseday
Tweet from @rackspaceemea: What a day of fun, PJs, squashing into a Mini, cake stall , games competitions incl. pool, table tennis etc raising £600 for comic relief
Rackspace are our Factbyte Factbox hosts, and they really did fit 17 people in a mini: http://twitpic.com/4an6lm Unbelievable!
In case you were wondering, we opted for a Honkus: www.flickr.com/ph…2157626157780899/
Along with a fabulous t-shirt featuring William Shakespeare, plus a Giggler. Hit it and it makes a rather disturbing cackle.
All these things and much more is available on the shop: http://shop.rednoseday.com/
Red Nose Day 2011 has begun.
We're starting with some clips of the King's Speech, and Lenny Henry in the "audience" heckling.
It's never too early to give out the numbers.
First hosts of the evening: Claudia Winkleman and Michael McIntyre.
Claudia is in a very vivid red dress, whilst Michael is rocking the red shirt.
They've just done a coming up montage, and there's far too much for me to type!
Claudia points out that Comic Relief have taken advice on the situation in Japan and have not yet launched an appeal.
David Tennant visits some children in Africa who are or are going blind - most of whom could have an operation to give them sight.
Comic Relief cash is funding a project that finds blind children in deserted areas, and getting them medical attention as soon as possible.
Comment from Mr C: i will donate money not to have to watch an eye operation. eek.
One operation costs £150. It doesn't take many people donating to get to that figure, and a child gets their sight back.
£150 for children, £34 for adults.
TV moment - Outnumbered meets Andy Murray.
The little girl has a panda hat on, so of course I approve.
The oldest child says Andy Murray doesn't look like Andy Murray because he's smiling too much. He wants to take a photo but would prefer him to look more emo.
Ultimately, the children have injured him, and Andy limps off into the distance.
Also, Murray appears to know about the winning=British, losing=Scottish thing. Awkward.
Alesha Dixon is visiting a school who do an excellent amount of fundraising. There appear to be a lot of painted faces.
The DOCTOR WHO bit!!
Amy is not allowed to fly the TARDIS, but Rory is... he has a spanner in his hand, and some crazy goggles on.
There's a TARDIS inside the TARDIS!
And now there's another Amy. A mini installment, to be continued later. Cliffhanger!
More from David Tennant discussing cataract operations in Africa.
They did do a pretty spectacular rendition of the famous theme tune.
I have lost the tweet now, but I just saw it fly by that someone had spotted Richard Bacon in the Comic Relief audience.
Comment from Alex Andronov: The amazing thing is that one of the big problems is that they can't find the people who need the operation. There is so little infrastructure and so many people don't know there are chances for help.
Doctor Who Part II.
Amy II is the Amy from the future, and she appears to be flirting with herself. But.. now there are two Rorys and it's completely confusing!
It all seemed to sort itself out in the end. Phew.
Tweet from @paultrueman74: Lumme. I've just realised #rednoseday is 24 years old. 2 things: 1) I am getting really quite old 2) That is A LOT of cold baked beans. #fb
Claudia and Michael. Great chemistry.
The Wanted - Gold Forever.
At the height of Comic Relief, there are 250 calls per second. Goodness me.
There are a couple of audio bits and pieces you can enjoy. Ricky Gervais has recorded a special podcast with his chums: (iTunes link) itunes.apple.com/…dcast/id135789411
And Steve Wright (in the afternoon) has put together some celebrity factoids: (iTunes link) itunes.apple.com/…e-day/id424616739
A film about Lauren in the UK, who cares for her mum.
Apparently, the average age of a young carer is just 12. Comic Relief cash goes to giving them a break from everyday life.
Next amusing film, Claudia, Ruby Wax and Miranda Hart are heading to Number 10 Downing Street for a Masterchef special.
Choice quotes - Miranda: "This is not an exaggeration or a lie, I would say I've never cooked.'
Ruby: "Competition doesn't come into it, I just wanted to see Downing Street."
Claudia: "I'm obsessed with Masterchef. I'm obsessed with Greg."
They are cooking lunch for a Masterchef judge, some previous winners, and the actual Prime Minister.
They're making crab.
Ruby Wax has just sneaked off to call Nigella and get some tips on the crab.
Claudia is making Chilli con Carne.
Miranda is making a "messy trifle." She literally has never cooked before and is amused that her first ever dish is for the Prime Minister.
If Masterchef was actually like this, I would watch!
Comment from Alex Andronov: They are so hopeless this makes me think of Mr C making muffins
I don't want to be fussy, but I do think Claudia should have tied up her hair. Her chilli is a bit hot. Ruby says: "Too hot? It's hell in there." The judges eyes almost popped out when he tasted it.
Comment from Mr C: hey, i've cooked more than miranda.
The Prime Minister is in the kitchen, checking up on his staff!
David Cameron: "My expectations were quite low, and they've fallen."
A film of Helen Skelton doing the High Wire walk.
She's there in the studio, in a pretty dress.
Helen's Hire Wire walk raised: £253,789.
A quick flashback to the Masterchef thing - Michel isn't keen on Claudia's dish.
Helen Skelton, High Wire Girl.
A sad film about a family in Africa, where the mum is ill, and Esther, aged 9, has to take care of the children.
Tweet from @RachelLaura01: Going to donate for Esther, so devastating #RedNoseDay
£10 buys a care kit and food parcel for families affected by HIV.
Two members of McFly are singing a version of All About You with the words changed to Thank You Oxfam.
The shops are selling the Red Nose's that we discussed earlier. Michael McIntyre called them "remarkably uncomfortable." And he's quite right!
A montage of the Desert Trek challenge, featuring nine people. Can I get them all?
Scott Mills. Lorraine Kelly. Kara Tointon. Peter White from Radio 4.
Craig David. Olly Murs.
I just missed out Dermot O'Leary, Nadia Sawalha and Ronnie Ancona. 6 of 9 is not bad.
Comment from Alex Andronov: The average life expectancy in the world is 67.2 years. In Botswana it is 31.6 years.
Ronnie and Lorraine both have wicked red dresses on. The rest have gone for more traditional muted shades.
The Trekkers raised: £1,375,037.
That totaliser is clearly not exciting enough. We need to go old school and programme some fireworks in there.
More than a million pounds will be going to the sight projects, so a LOT of children and adults will get their sight back.
The next presenters will be Graham Norton and Davina McCall. They've got a lot to live up to.
Coming Up: a Downtown Abbey special, a Harry Hill sketch, Take That, a Miranda sketch, and Alan Partridge returns to Comic Relief.
Graham and Davina are discussing Let's Dance for Comic Relief.
Let's Dance raised: £1,201,832.
A film montage of the trekkers visiting people getting their sight back in Africa.
Now, Harry Hill does Autumnwatch.
There are lots of celebrities in trees and hiding in hedges.
The Wanted versus Olly Murs. FIGHT!
A short film about some of the things the money helps with - particularly health and education.
Now they're doing a bit which I believe is from Norton's show. He's getting celebrities in a red chair to tell stories about their life.
Kirstie Allsop is first. I may have overstated it when I said celebrity.
Thandie Newton next. Slightly more famous than Ms Allsop.
Then there was Richard Bacon, but he didn't even get a chance to speak.
Then there was Richard Bacon, but he didn't even have a chance to speak.
Now, we're back to Masterchef.
Ruby Wax is serving her meal.
They have found some crab shell. David Cameron says it's alright, the crab is nice.
Prime Minister says it was very nice and he ate the lot. The other two were not so keen on the crab stuff.
Claudia is next.
They're all staring at the plate. Claudia has served the chilli con carne with jacket potato and salad.
David Cameron: "Oooh, it's quite hot." Will his eyes bulge like Michel?
Apparently this is his wife's speciality, so Claudia has a lot to live up to.
Claudia, afterwards: "They liked it! They weren't physically ill, how is that possible?"
Miranda serves her trifle.
There are some gummy bears in the middle, and hundred and thousands sprinkled on top.
There's a lot of sherry in it.
David Cameron: "We all loved it. Very alcoholic though. I feel like I've got to go and lie down." Afraid not, you've got a country to run, my love.
He leaves the others to discuss who wins.
Michel: "I was really looking forward to this, when I got up this morning. Then after ten minutes in the kitchen with you, I thought why am I doing this? Thankfully, you turned it around."
The winner is: MIRANDA!
Blue are saying thank you to Maltesers, who have been selling special packs and fundraising in lots of crazy ways.
Tweet from @BeckyPlatt23: I want Miranda to be my best friend. #RedNoseDay
|Raised by Maltesers and their antics|
Steve Jones reports on Malaria in Africa.
A first for Comic Relief and Eastenders - they are going to show the conclusion to last night's episode.
Audio problems though. Live TV!
Another TV moment instead. Upstairs Downtown Abby.
Featuring Dale Winton, Harry Enfield and Jennifer Saunders.
I think that might be Kim Cattrall too.
I love the cast, but I have no idea what is going on. Some kind of parody of period drama, crossed with Acorns Antique style failures.
Change of schedule. The News at 10 was going to be at half past but has shifted back to it's regular slot, and Comic Relief will be on BBC2.
A film about Lenny Henry and friends going to live in the slums for a week.
Lenny Henry, in tears: "This is the worst I've ever seen. I've never seen anything like this." After 25 years of Comic Relief, as well.
They've a section now called Red Nose Street, giving families homes.
£22 will provide one month's supply of food.
|TK Maxx who have been selling the t-shirts and fundraising|
They're going to try Eastenders again.
With sound this time. Whitney is in some kind of trouble, heading off with the wrong people.
Pondering if this might be an entire episode of Eastenders?
Mixed reaction on Twitter - some wondering where the Comic Relief is in Eastenders, others approve of highlighting the Sexual Exploitation cause.
Tweet from @snowgoon25: I much preferred this Eastenders episode when there was no sound... #comicrelief #rnd #rednoseday
Karun Chandhok rocks the Captain Conk.
(Imagine the fireworks.)
|Ant & Dec|
Graham Norton is heading off, so Davina is joined by Dermot O'Leary.
Take That - Happiness.
Davina and Dermot.
Happy Now, not Happiness. Apologies.
Quite a lot of cheering for Take That.
Comment from Janna: Apparently you can now download the Dr Who bit on iTunes for £1.89. At least £1.04 will go to Comic Relief itunes.apple.com/…4461&s=143444
A sad film about young children in hospital. The father has four children but there is only enough medical equipment for three of them.
Actually, it might not be the father, it might be a health worker. But still.
£5 pays for malaria tests for six children. £10 for a care kit and food parcel for a family with HIV. £100 trains a health worker.
Davina and Dermot are pelted with Gigglers, who are then stewn about the floor giggling.
The Magnets are in Sainsburys stores singing at the staff and customers - "You're simply the best!"
The Magnets Thank You medley is available to buy: itunes.apple.com/…42663?i=427142723
|Sainsburys who have been selling... well... everything|
The largest cheque Comic Relief have ever received. Ever.
Film of Ant & Dec gatecrashing as many problems as possible.
They are collecting items for auction as they go. The Daybreak sofa first.
They have been to so many shows!
Between TV and Radio, they broadcast to over 45 million people.
Jack Dee reports on the malnutrition in Africa.
If you're interested in any of the items Ant & Dec managed to pilfer, head to http://ebay.co.uk/rednoseday
Comic Relief are helping to give kids Plumpy Nut - a sachet of mushy peanut butter stuff that contains great nutrition for the starving.
30p a sachet, £26 for a month's supply.
Peter Kay's Geraldine McQueen duet with Susan Boyle - I Know Him So Well.
I Know Him So Well was originally recorded by Elaine Page and Barbara Dickson.
Comment from Alex Andronov regarding Plumpy Nut: It was inspired by Nutella, needs no water, no refrigeration, and lasts 2 years
David Tennant visits a hospital overrun with malaria patients.
Adele - Someone Like You.
The phone lines are jamming because so many people are ringing in.
Channel change coming up - we've got to head over to BBC2.
In 5 minutes.
First we get our new presenters - Lenny Henry and Fearne Cotton.
BBC2 it is.
Fake That. Celebrity Chefs being Take That.
Celebrity Chefs? What am I on? We're talking comedians. John Bishop, Catherine Tate. James COrdon, David Walliams, and...
A pre-record of Lenny Henry walking across hot coals.
A film about giving kids in Africa the chance for education and living out their dreams, and stopping malaria.
The crew from Miranda are going to Pineapple Dance Studios.
That's ACTUAL Heather Small!
Ooh, JLS. I recognise Aston from Children in Need.
To Be Continued...
JLS - Eyes Wide Shut.
The Miranda people appear in the background.
Miranda gatecrashes JLS.
If you want to donate a bit more than a fiver, you can text YES to 70010.
That will give £10.
Steve Jones reports about the continuing fight against malaria.
£10 can provide 12 rapid malaria testing kits and £10 can provide 2 mosquito nets.
Comment from Neil Denham: All very entertaining so far! Not sure how much longer I will stay awake though!
Now, Gareth Malone is training up celebrity chefs into a Choir. That's where I got the chefs idea from!
They're going to do a version of Rick Astley, and you'll never guess who's just turned up!
Gareth Malone and his Choir of Chefs - Never Gonna Give You Up.
It started out okay, but has fallen apart a bit in the middle.
Rick Astley says they did a good job, so the official seal of approval.
Comment from Mr C: live rick roll
Back to BBC1 now.
Lenny got a bit distracted hugging chefs, but Fearne calls him over to continue presenting.
Rick appears out of the glow.
Now the Smithy moment.
Lenny Henry and Richard Curtis need someone to help them out with Comic Relief, so they turn to Smithy.
Smithy has George Michael in the car with him. The pair of them are brilliant!
Gordon Brown wants to do a duet with JLS. Things I never thought I'd write.
Too many famous people in this. Each new face, I just say: "WHAT?"
That might be some Bieber as well. Good grief.
Beaten by Paul McCartney!!
Incredible! That is worth £10 of anyone's money.
The Smithy sketch available here: itunes.apple.com/…5115&s=143444
A clip of Deborah Stephenson doing Davina presenting the Million Pound Drop.
The story of a premature baby born on an island in Lake Victoria.
The second episode of Upstairs Downton Abby. More celeb-filled parody of costume drama.
|British Airways and their customers|
A film about some of the people that are helped in the UK.
Presenter change: Claudia Winkleman and Jonathan Ross.
|24 Hour Panel People|
|Armstrong & Miller|
The Inbetweeners are next, searching for rude street names. Adult language warning!
They have to visit 50 rudest place names in 50 hours, sponsored £500 for each one they get to.
Tweet from itsgiorgiaa: i have cried 6 times so far. #rednoseday
I'm gonna struggle to type any of these out and remain family friendly!
28 down, 22 to go. To be continued.
Matt Smith appears!
The Doctor introduces Alan Partridge doing some kind of Comic Relief radio.
George Michael - True Faith.
This is the video of his new single, and all proceeds are going to Comic Relief.
True Faith available now: itunes.apple.com/…ingle/id425133298
Jack Dee introduces a good news story from Kenya!
To staff a mobile clinic for a day is £46.
Elbow - Open Arms.
A mention for Chris Moyles and Comedy Dave who broadcast for 52 hours on Radio 1.
They raised almost £2.5 million and broke a world record while they were at it.
Radio 3 broke a record for a giant kazoo orchestra in the Albert Hall.
Various DJs from the Beeb stations did stand-up comedy to raise money.
More from Alan Partridge now.
You can see lots more about Chris Moyles and Comedy Dave's Longest Show here: www.bbc.co.uk/rad…yles/longestshow/
|Rymans and their customers|
Whilst still impressive, the numbers are getting smaller. They started with the big ones!
24 Hour Panel People now. Presumably not all 24 hours worth.q
Jimmy Carr appears to do some standup.
A film about the work done in the UK, funded by Comic Relief.
Just under an hour left, when BBC1 will show a Comic Relief lock-in, with clips from previous years.
Ruth Jones visits an elderly couple struggling to deal with dementia.
A message from Ricky Gervais with Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington.
The three of them are sitting discussing giving to charity.
Tweet from @Alistair1990: I've got an office chair like that! #rednoseday
Karl is concerned the money may go to elephants. Actual elephant slippers! http://twitpic.com/4atw6u
|Kellogs with their special brunch bar and fundraising|
Jack Dee visits a hospital in Kenya to find out more about the problems they face.
Annie Lennox - Universal Child.
Tweet from @amyrosew: Annie Lennox only ever appears around #rednoseday or other major charity events. Where is she all the rest of the time?
Annie Lennox on the piano.
Annie finishes up her song, and does an inspirational speech about the difference Comic Relief makes.
We're going back to The Inbetweeners, to see if they can complete their challenge.
50 rude place names in 50 hours. They've done 22, they've got 28 to go.
Other way round. They've done 28, 22 to go.
Nelson's Column is rude?? I'd make a rubbish teenage boy.
Tweet from @Thomassimpkins: In 16 mins time John Prescott will be doing the shipping forecast. It's gonna be great. #rnd #comicrelief #rednoseday
They have nine minutes to get the last one.
They managed 52 in the end, and got double the money - £1,000 per place name.
An Armstrong & Miller sketch - the one where they do Blue Peter apologising for something.
Tweet from @Lady_Queefalot: Look. At. That. Beard. BEN MILLER. #ComicRelief #RedNoseDay
Tweet from @AmieWebb: #rednoseday this time last year we were on £54,690,437! Already passed this by 10 million. A-mazing.
Alan Carr has arrived to present the final late night push.
It's all about the beards this evening!
Davina, Claudia and Fearne are back to help present. Notably, Fearne has changed into a different red outfit.
A montage of the crazy fundraising antics people have been doing around the country.
Russell Brand revisits Kenya, following on from his first trip for Sport Relief this time last year.
Meanwhile, in a more self-indulgent moment - here's another Red Nose picture of me! www.flickr.com/ph…dcast/5538192971/
Brand has visited a couple of kids who were rescued from a life on the landfills for just £150.
Alan Carr wants to get 100,000 texts in the next hour. That's one million pounds.
|By Phone:||03457 910 910|
|By SMS:||Text YES to 70010|
If he gets to that amount, Fearne Cotton will put a swimming costume on, just like she did on Radio 1.
Now: Newport State of Mind with lots and lots of Welsh people.
The Steve Jones line... sung by Steve Jones!
An exclusive clip from Chris Lilley's new show Angry Boys. He is of Summer Heights High fame.
Tweet from @corfmeister: And #ShippingForecast is trending. That's quite an achievement.
The David Tennat film at a hospital swamped with malaria patients.
David Tennant: "Don't be the person that sits there and doesn't bother [to donate]. Don't be that person."
They are promoting the possibility of Fearne putting on a swimsuit again.
Davina bids us a farewell: "From the bottom of my heart, thank you for everything you have given tonight. You are brilliant."
Now more from David Walliams and his 24 Hour Panel People marathon.
Tweet from @GarethJonesTV: In Ymeroddraeth State Of Mind You Were Watching: Helen Adams, Max Boyce MBE, Joe Calzaghe CBE, MBE, Josie ('we didn't know either') d'Arby, 'Dirty Sanchez', Wynne Evans, Connie Fisher, Goldie Lookin' Chain, John Humphrys, Colin Jackson CBE, Alex Jones, Gareth Jones, Gethin Jones, Steve Jones, Helen Lederer, Sian Lloyd, Ruth Madoc, Howard Marks, Grant Nicholas, Anneka Rice, Lisa Rogers (twice) Robbie Savage, Shakin' Stevens, Michael Sheen OBE, Imogen Thomas,Bonnie Tyler, Tim Vincent, Paul Whitehouse, Ian Woosnam OBE
Just in case you were wondering.
Axis of Awesome - FOUR CHORD SONG!!!
He even hit the Take on Me top note!
Amazing. Axis of Awesome are just that... awesome!
A film about supporting people in the UK as their lives get difficult.
Tweet from @popsiculture: Is anyone else foreseeing a Perfect Day-style celeb version of Axis of Awesome? #rnd #rednoseday #comicrelief
Next: A sketch with Kate Moss and a bear. Misery Bear.
Misery bear is pretty darn cute!
|Wine Relief - where retailers donate 10% of their sales|
Misery Bear and Kate Moss.
Comment from Pat W: Wine relief sounds more fun than a text
More from David Walliams' 24 Hour Panel People.
Oh my... http://twitter.com/MiseryBear
Tweet from @MiseryBear: I'm on telly! #rnd
A repeat of the moving video about Esther and her ill mum from earlier.
Now, a Comic Relief special of Rude Tube, hosted by Alex Zane.
Now we seem to have begun scraping the barrell with You've Been Framed style clips, it may be time to bring this Factbyte Factbox to a close.
Don't forget to donate.
Thank you for sticking with me this long, if you have, or catching up later, if you are.
The Factbyte Factbox will be back soon for more live updates, so see you then and there!
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