Posts categorised in: Satire

A Bumper Week for Christine's Rankings

Published 15/03/2010 at 11:29 GMT

With the return of Formula One, and the Bahrain Grand Prix, comes a mammoth week for Christine's Rankings. Drivers have been in the spotlight more than ever since our ranking system was introduced, and there was plenty to take note of.

Chandhok, in particular, has done very well. After such a difficult start to the season for the new Hispania driver, he carried himself well and went up in a lot of people's estimation. Meanwhile Kobayashi finally gets some points on the board this week.

Position	Driver	Score	Additional Notes
1	Karun Chandhok	11	+10 (see note 1)
2	Mark Webber	10	+1 for having a peek at the McLaren and +3 for a fabulous tweet (see note 2)
3	Timo Glock	8.5
4	Lucas di Grassi	8	-1 because he just wasn't visible enough over the weekend
5	Fernando Alonso	6	+2 for weaving his way across the finish line. It's a risky game but it's good to see a happy A-Lo again
6	Rubens Barrichello	5	+2 for being cheeky about Schumacher on the BBC build up
7	Sebastian Vettel	4
8	Felipe Massa	4
9	Nico Rosberg	4	+2 for finishing ahead of Schumi in every single session
10	Heikki Kovalainen	3	+1 for a shiny new website but -2 for reminding me about the horse (see note 3)
11	Nico Hulkenberg	2
12	Robert Kubica	2
13	Lewis Hamilton	2
14	Jaime Alguersuari	1
15	Bruno Senna	1
16	Jenson Button	1	+2 because the ad that lost him points last week was actually quite funny
17	Kamui Kobayashi	1	+1 for a rather fun overtaking move during Free Practice
18	Michael Schumacher	-8	-2 for wearing a purple scarf like the one I am never going to wear again
19	Sebastien Buemi	N/A
20	Tonio Liuzzi	N/A
21	Vitaly Petrov	N/A
22	Pedro de la Rosa	N/A
23	Adrian Sutil	N/A
24	Jarno Trulli	N/A

Notes:

A breakdown of Chandhok's points: +2 for this funny Twitpic (spotted by Pat), +2 for the quote: "The more time they spend talking to me, the less time they have to work on the car", +2 for just wanting to keep out of everyone's way, +2 for being calm when all the odds were against him, and +2 for being generally quite awesome.
The picture of Webber looking at the McLaren plus a great tweet.
heikkikovalainen.com

It's been a fabulous week watching the drivers do what they do, and thanks to everyone who pointed things out that should be considered for the rankings. More of the same for next week, please.

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Old Man and Me

Published 13/03/2010 at 20:04 GMT

By Mr. C.

Hypothetically speaking, imagine there were a seven times Formula 1 World Champion, who despite a career marred by controversy, opted to bow out at the top of his game. Imagine also, that in doing so he earned the respect of even his strongest critics, and that during his last appearance managed pull off the move of the race, putting a number on his replacement in the process.

Credit: Mercedes GP Petronas

A bad day at the office for the comeback kid.

Stretching reality to its limit, imagine that such a person would decide after almost three years away from the sport, to replace a sidelined ex-teammate in an awful car. Feigning injury would likely be the only way out of that situation, reputation still intact.

Imagine still, that such a person would then choose to make a season long comeback for the reigning World Champions, and in the first qualifying session of the year, manage only 7th position. Two whole places behind a teammate who nobody in the paddock rates highly and who's yet to achieve anything of note in his four year career. That kind of result could be painful to swallow for someone used to achieving so much.

Mind you, if such a situation had occurred, words could not describe how happy a certain person would be feeling right now.

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Satire

Chandhok Makes His Christine's Rankings Debut

Published 08/03/2010 at 11:10 GMT

By Christine Blachford

It's been a busy week in Formula 1, with the demise of US F1 and the rise of HRT F1. Terrible name, interesting driver pairing. Bruno Senna and Karun Chandhok were both present for the launch and some interesting tweeting occurred.

Elsewhere, there is movement upwards for Webber and Glock, whilst the McLaren boys finally get some points on the board - not all good though. I know plenty of people have been keen to see Hamilton and Button drop the 'N/A' status, and this is their week.

Position	Driver	Score	Additional Notes
1	Lucas di Grassi	9
2	Timo Glock	8.5	+2 for joining Twitter and +1 for posing on a bike (see note 1)
3	Mark Webber	6	+2 for commentating a fabulous lap of Bahrain (see note 2)
4	Fernando Alonso	4
5	Sebastian Vettel	4
6	Felipe Massa	4
7	Heikki Kovalainen	4
8	Rubens Barrichello	3
9	Nico Rosberg	2
10	Nico Hulkenberg	2
11	Robert Kubica	2
12	Lewis Hamilton	2	+2 for ditching his manager
13	Jaime Alguersuari	1
14	Karun Chandhok	1	+1 for taking pictures of his teammate during the HRT launch (see note 3)
15	Bruno Senna	1	-1 for wearing a bright blue hat with that outfit! (see note 3)
16	Jenson Button	-1	-1 for that Walkers crisps advert. Button's Cabs? Really?
17	Michael Schumacher	-6
18	Sebastien Buemi	N/A
19	Kamui Kobayashi	N/A
20	Tonio Liuzzi	N/A
21	Vitaly Petrov	N/A
22	Pedro de la Rosa	N/A
23	Adrian Sutil	N/A
24	Jarno Trulli	N/A

Notes:

If it's good enough for Senna, it's good enough for Timo: gaming and fitness collide.
A Lap of Bahrain with Mark Webber
It's not a great pic but I like it anyway: http://twitpic.com/16kpv1

This time next week we will have seen the first race of the season, so expect plenty of driver movements. If you spot anything I should include on the list then please let me know in the usual ways! I'm always open to suggestions.

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Webber Reverses His Fortunes on Christine's Rankings

Published 01/03/2010 at 11:35 GMT

By Christine Blachford

This week, I've been very impressed with Mark Webber, particularly after his debut onto the rankings last time around - with a minus score. The Australian not only updated his website, making full use of YouTube, but he also jumped headfirst into the Twitter-universe. Already he has used the word "arvo" and therefore I am awarding him plenty of plus points.

I also took several suggestions this week, as I hadn't managed to keep an eye on what everyone was up to. Hopefully I've credited everyone involved and there are links underneath the table to all the required supporting evidence.

Position	Driver	Score	Additional Notes
1	Lucas di Grassi	9	+2 for building his own super-duper kart to keep fit (see note 1)
2	Timo Glock	5.5
3	Fernando Alonso	4
4	Sebastian Vettel	4
5	Felipe Massa	4
6	Heikki Kovalainen	4	+1 for improving his hairstyle and +2 for an amusing Twitter conversation (see note 2)
7	Mark Webber	4	+3 for being on Twitter and +2 for a fabulous new website
8	Rubens Barrichello	3
9	Nico Rosberg	2
10	Bruno Senna	2
11	Nico Hulkenberg	2
12	Robert Kubica	2	+2 for the Autosport headline "Kubica revelling in Renault atmosphere" as I find it hard to imagine the Pole revelling in anything but I like the idea of it
13	Jaime Alguersuari	1
14	Michael Schumacher	-6	+1 for being quite amusing and having to rapidly change his story about his team's chance of winning (see note 3)
15	Sebastien Buemi	N/A
16	Jenson Button	N/A
17	Lewis Hamilton	N/A
18	Kamui Kobayashi	N/A
19	Tonio Liuzzi	N/A
20	Jose Maria Lopez	N/A
21	Vitaly Petrov	N/A
22	Pedro de la Rosa	N/A
23	Adrian Sutil	N/A
24	Jarno Trulli	N/A

Notes:

As pointed out to me by MrDavidCameron on Twitter here and here.
Lou let me know that Heikki has either had a haircut, or found a way to style his barnet better. Photo evidence here. The amusing conversation between Mike Gascoyne and Heikki Kovalainen, resulted in my favourite tweet of the week.
F1 Minute: Rosberg puts Mercedes on top, whilst Schumacher revises his opinion.

Testing is over now, so we might face a quiet week until the drivers start bigging up their chances for the Bahrain Grand Prix. Please keep your eyes peeled for fun and unusual things our boys might be up to. You can leave a comment, email me christine@sidepodcast.com or drop me a note on twitter: @mrschristine. See you next week!

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A Mixed Result for Heikki on Christine's Rankings this Week

Published 22/02/2010 at 13:40 GMT

By Christine Blachford

It's been a pretty quiet week in the world of Christine's Rankings. Most of the drivers have been keeping to themselves, busy with pre-season testing. There haven't been any launches which means no major public appearances, but that doesn't mean we haven't been eagle-eyed.

Heikki Kovalainen has been brought to my attention the most. Firstly, he joined Twitter which was good news, particularly as he was tweeting from the garage in Jerez when he wasn't even driving that day. However, then he went and starred in a video for MTV3 and some of these pictures are quite scary. A horse!

Heikki isn't the only one to be moving around on the list though. Di Grassi and Glock both make a move, whilst Webber and Hulkenberg join the rankings.

Position	Driver	Score	Additional Notes
1	Lucas di Grassi	7	+2 for appearing in that Virgin video in a deckchair
2	Timo Glock	5.5	+2 for appearing in that Virgin video in a deckchair
3	Fernando Alonso	4
4	Sebastian Vettel	4
5	Felipe Massa	4
6	Rubens Barrichello	3
7	Nico Rosberg	2
8	Bruno Senna	2
9	Nico Hulkenberg	2	+2 for completing the most laps in Jerez this week - I like a new guy who'll work hard
10	Jaime Alguersuari	1
11	Heikki Kovalainen	1	+3 for being on Twitter and -1 for posing with a horse
12	Mark Webber	-1	-1 for swearing unnecessarily when talking about his future in the sport
13	Michael Schumacher	-7
14	Sebastien Buemi	N/A
15	Jenson Button	N/A
16	Lewis Hamilton	N/A
17	Kamui Kobayashi	N/A
18	Robert Kubica	N/A
19	Tonio Liuzzi	N/A
20	Jose Maria Lopez	N/A
21	Vitaly Petrov	N/A
22	Pedro de la Rosa	N/A
23	Adrian Sutil	N/A
24	Jarno Trulli	N/A

There's just one more week of testing left for our drivers to get onto my radar before the season begins and the real points start flying around. Don't forget you can let me know if you spot anything I should be aware of for next week's rankings, be it video, interview or photographs. Leave a comment below, or email me christine at sidepodcast dot com.

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USF1, It Could Be So Very Much Worse

Published 16/02/2010 at 13:19 GMT

By Stuart Taylor

The USF1 team may be coming under increasingly vocal criticism for the way they've managed their Formula 1 entry so far, but Stuart Taylor of the wonderful Chain Bear, today reminds that if left to Bernie, the situation could be much worse.

Stuart apologises for his use of the German accent. You can view more of his F1 illustrations here.

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Vettel Makes His Mark on Christine's Rankings

Published 15/02/2010 at 13:56 GMT

By Christine Blachford

After the debut of Christine's Rankings last week, several drivers have been busy making the case for themselves. Public appearances, both at the three launches and testing in Jerez, have meant there is plenty of movement on the rankings today.

Sebastian Vettel is the driver with the most notable ranking this week, not only taking himself out of N/A status, but rising up to match Fernando Alonso on four points. Vettel's new Red Bull themed helmet, with added ring pull and list of ingredients impressed me this week, and granted him a place towards the top.

Vettel wasn't the only new addition to the list, as another three drivers appear, whilst one driver who had already been ranked slips down the table just a little.

Position	Driver	Score	Additional Notes
1	Lucas di Grassi	5
2	Fernando Alonso	4
3	Sebastian Vettel	4	For introducing a superb helmet design
4	Felipe Massa	4
5	Timo Glock	3.5
6	Rubens Barrichello	3
7	Nico Rosberg	2
8	Bruno Senna	2	The man can cycle and play video games at the same time (as noted by Lynch)
9	Jaime Alguersuari	1	Bonus points for being a regular Twitter user but a couple knocked off for the overuse of exclamation marks!!!!
10	Heikki Kovalainen	-1	He really does need a bit of a haircut
11	Michael Schumacher	-7	Because he prefers to eat the Italian pasta at Ferrari rather than from his own team's menu
12	Sebastien Buemi	N/A
13	Jenson Button	N/A
14	Lewis Hamilton	N/A
15	Nico Hulkenberg	N/A
16	Kamui Kobayashi	N/A
17	Robert Kubica	N/A
18	Tonio Liuzzi	N/A
19	Jose Maria Lopez	N/A
20	Vitaly Petrov	N/A
21	Pedro de la Rosa	N/A
22	Adrian Sutil	N/A
23	Jarno Trulli	N/A
24	Mark Webber	N/A

There are still plenty of drivers that have yet to be scored, but all in good time. The season hasn't even started yet, and I imagine there will be plenty for me to judge them on once the races begin.

In fact, it's not just myself who will be the judge. Ultimately, I compile the table, but I need your help keeping an eye on all the drivers and what they are up to. Christine's Rankings hands out scores on all the important things, including sense of humour, fashion sense, waving in photographs and more. It's all fair game, and I need you to point me in the right direction.

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Introducing Christine's Rankings

Published 06/02/2010 at 18:15 GMT

By Christine Blachford

On last weeks F1 Debrief show, we discussed the 2010 launches we've seen so far and scored them out of 10. We will do the same for the remaining launches as well, but the idea has already grown into something else.

After listening to our judgements, Jon suggested that we continue to evaluate things after each race this year and keep track of the scores. It would appear that rankings are a very popular thing to embark upon for the 2010 season, so I thought about it for a while and came up with this idea...

Today I'd like to introduce you to Christine's Rankings - The most in-depth and accurate global driver ranking system ever produced. Probably.

It seems you can lay claim to anything on the internet these days, so I shall be doing just that. I'll be focusing on the drivers taking part in the 2010 season, and will score them after each race based on my own special algorithms and technical formulae. I will also be sharing some of my findings along the way, in an effort to be open and transparent about why some drivers will move up and some will move down.

The best way to explain the rankings is simply to make a start:

Position	Driver	Score	Additional Notes
1	Lucas di Grassi	5	Because he is di licious.
2	Fernando Alonso	4	The reason testing was so popular.
3	Felipe Massa	4	Wherever Massa is found there is likely to be a Rob close behind.
4	Timo Glock	3.5	Because if he was any lower RG would shout at me.
5	Rubens Barrichello	3	Because he's not afraid to tell it how it is about his former team-mate.
6	Nico Rosberg	2	I feel sorry for him and I never thought I would.
7	Michael Schumacher	-5	Because... you know.
8	Jaime Alguersuari	N/A
9	Sebastien Buemi	N/A
10	Jenson Button	N/A
11	Lewis Hamilton	N/A
12	Nico Hulkenberg	N/A
13	Kamui Kobayashi	N/A
14	Heikki Kovalainen	N/A
15	Robert Kubica	N/A
16	Tonio Liuzzi	N/A
17	Jose Maria Lopez	N/A
18	Vitaly Petrov	N/A
19	Pedro de la Rosa	N/A
20	Bruno Senna	N/A
21	Adrian Sutil	N/A
22	Jarno Trulli	N/A
23	Sebastian Vettel	N/A
24	Mark Webber	N/A

As you can see, a lot of the drivers have yet to be scored, because it's still early in the season and we have yet to catch sight of some of them.

Each and every person who takes an F1 car to the track during a Grand Prix weekend this year is up for scrutiny. Marks will be awarded for important matters such as fashion sense, facial hair, looks, and attitude. Bonus points can be gained by friendliness to others, cuteness, and having a sense of humour under pressure.

Clearly I'm going to need help keeping track of such things throughout the year, and if you think I've overlooked a key area of analysis please let me know.

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Just Another Brick in the Wall

Published 18/01/2010 at 08:28 GMT

By Stuart Taylor

Following up on his fantastically well received 2009 Season Review, Stuart Taylor from the wonderful Chain Bear returns with his take on the news that Nelson Piquet Jnr might be competing in NASCAR this season.

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The Illustrated 2009 F1 Season Review

Published 20/12/2009 at 04:37 GMT

By Stuart Taylor

Sidepodcast listener Stuart Taylor has provided us a guest post with a difference, an absolutely fantastic illustrated guide to the 2009 Formula 1 season. Please leave caption suggestions in the comments and let us know your favourite. In the meantime, over to Stuart.

I wanted to contribute to your season review but speaking isn't my forté so I made you a little cartoon season review instead. Thanks and Merry Christmas!